Change The World With Words

Usually this is a blog about writing and publishing, but it’s also about changing the world with your writing. I reserve the right to go off topic (occasionally) in order to practice what I preach and use my writing to help bring about some much needed change.

Today is It’s Time To Talk Day - a day devoted to raising awareness about domestic violence and relationship abuse – and bloggers who care are making a commitment to write about domestic violence, even if it’s not the type of topic their blog usually covers. If you’d like to help raise awareness join the conversation.

Three Stupid Things People Say About Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is easily misunderstood. I could list a hundred things that people say about it that just don’t make sense, but I’ve narrowed it down to just three. Don’t feel bad if you’ve said them yourself. I know I have – which is why I now feel the need to highlight just how stupid they are.

#1 Why Doesn’t She Just Leave?

Here’s why this is such a stupid question.

-         It won’t stop the violence.

 In fact there’s substantial evidence that domestic violence tends to escalate when a woman leaves the relationship. The majority of women admitted to hospital with injuries as a result of domestic violence report that they’re no longer living with their abuser. Domestic violence is about control. When a woman leaves, a man feels control slipping away. The result is often increased violence to try and re-assert that control.

-         It could get her killed.

Sadly, in the most extreme cases, domestic violence can lead to homicide, and it’s surprisingly common for this to happen when a woman leaves or threatens to leave. It all comes down to the same issue. When a desperate man feels his control weakening he is sometimes, tragically, driven to desperate measures. The Domestic Violence Death Review Committee has identified “actual or pending separation” as a significant risk factor in domestic violence related deaths.

-         She shouldn’t have to.

Even in our victim blaming society, it’s hard to imagine another crime where the victim is expected to take quite so much responsibility for a crime committed against her. Imagine reading in your local newspaper:

“Mrs X was violently attacked in her own home on Saturday night. As a result of this attack she has been ordered to leave her home, neighbourhood, and community, taking her two children with her, which will result in considerable disruption, expense and trauma to her and her children. In a bizarre twist, Mrs X’s attacker has been awarded sole occupancy of her home for as long as he’s willing and able to pay the rent.”

This is what actually happens in some domestic violence cases.

#2  Maybe she provoked him.

Maybe she did. Maybe she annoyed him, ‘got in his face’, or demanded something he wasn’t prepared to give. Maybe she was verbally abusive to him. Maybe she slept with his best friend. But, in the USA, and all other civilized countries, the accepted punishment for these things is NOT a violent physical beating. Even many (though not all) of the countries that the US considers ‘barbaric’ no longer condone physical violence as a routine punishment for women who disobey their husbands or commit adultery. Anyone living in a country that considers itself to have a system built on human rights and egalitarian values should be ashamed that the thought even crossed their mind.

 #3  I guess he just lost control.

Let’s get this straight. As mentioned above, domestic violence is about exerting control, not losing it. Men who beat women do so in order to hurt and scare them so they’ll do what they want them to. Abusive men rarely have ‘control’ problems in any other context. A man who ‘loses control’ with his wife or girlfriend will often show remarkable control when provoked by another man looking for a fight, especially if that man is bigger and stronger than he is.  Unsurprisingly, most men who beat women are not known for their courage.

If you’re affected by domestic violence, or know someone who is, the first step towards help, support, recovery and healing might be found at the following resources (and every journey starts with the first step):

Violence Unsilenced

Love Is Not Abuse

Domestic Violence Hotline

Futures Without Violence

If you’re a survivor of domestic violence, there are many local advocacy groups and non-profits offering programs aimed at helping you recover and thrive. Consider contacting your local child and family services agency (anonymously, if you want to) to find out more about them.

Thanks to the wonderful team at Blogher.com who are encouraging bloggers everywhere to use their blogs for good today and get people talking about domestic violence. Find out more here.

And just to bring us back to the subject of writing…

For an example of an amazing project that combines writing and creativity with helping survivors of domestic violence move forward and thrive, see the work of The Purple Song Project.

Changing the world with words usually involves focussing in on what’s important to us. For me one of my ongoing rants concerns is the destruction of our environment, so I write about easy ways to be greener and the evils of consumerism.

If you want to make your blog greener in one ridiculously easy step (OK two, but SO easy) click on the “My Blog Fights Climate Change” badge over in my sidebar to access Brighter Planet’s 350 challenge. Simply sign up and display the badge on your blog. As a reward for raising awareness, Brighter Planet will offset 350 pounds of carbon in your name.

Brighter Planet’s 350 Challenge is inspired by Bill McKibben’s awareness campaign about the importance of the number 350 (the parts per million of CO2 in the atmosphere that we must aim for if we want to keep the planet relatively safe).

Questions? Find answers here.

A few days ago I wrote a post, You Are What You Read, about how books and stories can have an impact that shapes our personalities, ideas, and prejudices (or lack of them).

Today I came across a blog post asking the question I touched on - which book has had the biggest impact on you?  The post is about a great campaign, Books Make a Difference, run by BlogHer and BookRenter.com, via the non-profit First Book. The campaign is aiming to make a difference in children’s lives by donating  books to children in need.

If you want to help you can click on over to BlogHer.com and answer this simple question:

What book has had the greatest impact on your life?

For every comment a book will be donated by BookRenter.com. It’s that simple. If you choose to blog about the campaign (a short post like this one will do) another book will be donated. A tiny slice of your time to provide a child with a book  that could change their life, just like your favorite book probably changed yours. To make it simple here’s the link again: BlogHer.com.

Update: You can donate to First Book (or find out more about their work) any time. Simply scroll down to the “Every Child Deserves a Bedtime Story” badge over in the right sidebar, and click.