Three Stupid Things People Say About Domestic Violence
Usually this is a blog about writing and publishing, but it’s also about changing the world with your writing. I reserve the right to go off topic (occasionally) in order to practice what I preach and use my writing to help bring about some much needed change.
Today is It’s Time To Talk Day - a day devoted to raising awareness about domestic violence and relationship abuse – and bloggers who care are making a commitment to write about domestic violence, even if it’s not the type of topic their blog usually covers. If you’d like to help raise awareness join the conversation.
Three Stupid Things People Say About Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is easily misunderstood. I could list a hundred things that people say about it that just don’t make sense, but I’ve narrowed it down to just three. Don’t feel bad if you’ve said them yourself. I know I have – which is why I now feel the need to highlight just how stupid they are.
#1 Why Doesn’t She Just Leave?
Here’s why this is such a stupid question.
- It won’t stop the violence.
In fact there’s substantial evidence that domestic violence tends to escalate when a woman leaves the relationship. The majority of women admitted to hospital with injuries as a result of domestic violence report that they’re no longer living with their abuser. Domestic violence is about control. When a woman leaves, a man feels control slipping away. The result is often increased violence to try and re-assert that control.
- It could get her killed.
Sadly, in the most extreme cases, domestic violence can lead to homicide, and it’s surprisingly common for this to happen when a woman leaves or threatens to leave. It all comes down to the same issue. When a desperate man feels his control weakening he is sometimes, tragically, driven to desperate measures. The Domestic Violence Death Review Committee has identified “actual or pending separation” as a significant risk factor in domestic violence related deaths.
- She shouldn’t have to.
Even in our victim blaming society, it’s hard to imagine another crime where the victim is expected to take quite so much responsibility for a crime committed against her. Imagine reading in your local newspaper:
“Mrs X was violently attacked in her own home on Saturday night. As a result of this attack she has been ordered to leave her home, neighbourhood, and community, taking her two children with her, which will result in considerable disruption, expense and trauma to her and her children. In a bizarre twist, Mrs X’s attacker has been awarded sole occupancy of her home for as long as he’s willing and able to pay the rent.”
This is what actually happens in some domestic violence cases.
#2 Maybe she provoked him.
Maybe she did. Maybe she annoyed him, ‘got in his face’, or demanded something he wasn’t prepared to give. Maybe she was verbally abusive to him. Maybe she slept with his best friend. But, in the USA, and all other civilized countries, the accepted punishment for these things is NOT a violent physical beating. Even many (though not all) of the countries that the US considers ‘barbaric’ no longer condone physical violence as a routine punishment for women who disobey their husbands or commit adultery. Anyone living in a country that considers itself to have a system built on human rights and egalitarian values should be ashamed that the thought even crossed their mind.
#3 I guess he just lost control.
Let’s get this straight. As mentioned above, domestic violence is about exerting control, not losing it. Men who beat women do so in order to hurt and scare them so they’ll do what they want them to. Abusive men rarely have ‘control’ problems in any other context. A man who ‘loses control’ with his wife or girlfriend will often show remarkable control when provoked by another man looking for a fight, especially if that man is bigger and stronger than he is. Unsurprisingly, most men who beat women are not known for their courage.
If you’re affected by domestic violence, or know someone who is, the first step towards help, support, recovery and healing might be found at the following resources (and every journey starts with the first step):
If you’re a survivor of domestic violence, there are many local advocacy groups and non-profits offering programs aimed at helping you recover and thrive. Consider contacting your local child and family services agency (anonymously, if you want to) to find out more about them.
Thanks to the wonderful team at Blogher.com who are encouraging bloggers everywhere to use their blogs for good today and get people talking about domestic violence. Find out more here.
And just to bring us back to the subject of writing…
For an example of an amazing project that combines writing and creativity with helping survivors of domestic violence move forward and thrive, see the work of The Purple Song Project.
Twitter: vunsilenced
says:
This is really wonderful, thank you so much for using your platform in this way today!
Maggie at Violence UnSilenced´s last post ..Auntie Jill (by @OhJennyMae)
Thank you for your wonderful points about the stupid, inappropriate way people react to hearing about relationship abuse. I know they do it to push such an ugly thing away from themselves. But I also know that the only way to really help end it, and keep people from getting caught in it (men, too), is to TALK ABOUT IT. Thank you for using this space today to show a different side of the power of words!
Stacy @bklynstacy´s last post ..Maintaining Your Creativity and Career After Baby – Can it be Done?
Twitter: writeandchange
says:
Thanks for stopping by, Maggie. It’s my pleasure (and privilege) to use my platform for something so worthwhile.
Karen Banes´s last post ..Four Great Author Resources
Twitter: writeandchange
says:
Thanks Stacy. You’re right of course. Even the most well-meaning people shy away from the ugly subject of domestic violence. So grateful to BlogHer for choosing to highlight this issue and get this conversation going around the blogosphere.
Karen Banes´s last post ..Ten Great Books For Writers
Sadly along with the mentioned reasons for not leaving plus self esteem issues many do not leave because the system fails them. Many women leave only to see their children handed over to the abuser and they may also find they are in more danger than they were before they left.
Thank you for bringing up these stupid things people say. They are said in ignorance.
Twitter: writeandchange
says:
So true, Kathy. I could have come up with many more (good) reasons why the very idea of ‘just leaving’ is ridiculous. The system certainly doesn’t help in many cases. It’s shocking how many victims are further victimized/punished by having children taken away from them. Victims are blamed for ‘allowing’ children to witness violence or blamed for not being able to support them as a single parent. This really is such a complex issue.
Karen Banes´s last post ..Ten Writing Websites I’ve Learnt Something Useful From In 2011
Domestic violence against men is always overlooked. It is expected that men simply harden up and deal with it. The men who have to go through this suffer in silence and are mocked if they ever raise the subject.
John´s last post ..Philippines typhoon kills 180
Twitter: writeandchange
says:
Hi John. You’re right. DV against men happens too, and is often overlooked. This post focussed on the statistically most common type of domestic violence (and the one that causes the most serious injuries and deaths) – Men against women in heterosexual relationships. ALL types of DV need to be addressed, and certainly both men and women in both heterosexual and same-sex partmerships suffer from DV. It’s pervasive, and destructive, and I could write a book on it, but on this occasion I only had a few hundred words.
Karen Banes´s last post ..Ten Writing Websites I’ve Learnt Something Useful From In 2011
As a 12 year survivor and DV Advocate, I truly appreciate you writing about this.
Twitter: writeandchange
says:
Thank you Jodine. I truly admire survivors who channel their energy into advocacy and raising awaremess.
Karen Banes´s last post ..Happy Holidays – Take a Free Gift
Twitter: writingreader
says:
I especially love the point about her provoking him. I used to do some work in this field. There is a cycle in all violence. There is a honeymoon phase, then a tension building phase, which leads up to the explosion. Many women say that the verbal and emotional abuse during the tension building phase is so much worse than the actual beating that they will purposely provoke the beating, just to get past the tension building phase. It’s a vicious cycle, because as time goes on, the honeymoon phase gets shorter and shorter until it disappears. Then all that’s left is tension building and explosion. It’s a terrible situation to be in, and no one who hasn’t lived through it should ever judge a woman who is just trying to survive.
Liz´s last post ..Prompt #197 Speed Reading
I moderately agree with the above , I just can not describe why! Its a feeling I do believe.